Ask Better Questions, Get Better Answers
7 Ways to Help Kids Reframe Their Questions
We all do it. Once in a while, at least. Some more than others. And most of the time we don’t even know that we’re doing it. It happens subconsciously, although sometimes consciously and sometimes loud enough for other people (like our children) to hear. The dreaded negative “Why” questions: Why can’t I be better at [fill in the blank], why don’t I look as good as [fill in the blank], why am I such a failure? Why am I so [stupid, fat, ugly, lazy, incompetent, boring…] Just fill in the blank.
While asking yourself these questions (consciously or subconsciously) may seem innocuous, they are actually quite harmful. They are poisoning our minds, which in turn, produces bad feelings.
Think about it. When you ask yourself “why am I such a failure?” what thoughts do you have? “I’m lazy and don’t work hard enough. I am not smart enough to figure it out. I don’t have what it takes to succeed.” And how do you think you would feel if you had these thoughts? Pretty bad, huh?
Well, this is what is happening to our children. And then we wonder why adolescent depression and anxiety have become an epidemic.
The major problem with “Why” questions is the answer you produce, which almost always creates a negative feeling. When you ask yourself “why am I such a failure?” your answer will never be something like “because I am amazing!” or “because I work really hard!” or “because I am supported in so many ways!”
None of those answers would make sense. And you wouldn’t be asking that question if you believed in any of those answers. The problem is that our mind runs up against cognitive dissonance, which doesn’t allow us to think of those good thoughts when we ask such a negative question.
Asking a “why” question can cause a downward spiral, causing us to spin in the quagmire of contemplating the answer to our question. It only produces negative answers and possibly more negative questions. To move in the right direction, you have to ask the right questions.
Asking the right questions simply involves changing the negative “why” questions into productive “how” questions. Instead of asking “Why am I such a failure?” Ask, “How can I figure this out?”
Making that tiny tweak from “why” to “how” changes the answers we tell ourselves. It empowers us to take action.
❇ It tells us that there is a solution, we just need to figure it out.
❇ It assures us that the status quo does not have to stay the same forever.
❇ It changes our mindset from fixed to growth.
Examples of Negative “Why” Questions Rephrased
Here are examples of negative "why" questions and positive rephrased versions:
Self-Confidence & Abilities
❌ “Why am I not good at this?”
✅ “What can I do to get better at this?”
❌ “Why do I always mess up?”
✅ “How can I learn from this mistake so I do better next time?”
❌ “Why can't I be as smart as my friend?”
✅ “What are my own unique strengths that I can be proud of?”
Social Interactions & Friendships
❌ “Why doesn’t anyone want to play with me?”
✅ “What can I do to be a good friend and invite others to play?”
❌ “Why do people always ignore me?”
✅ “How can I start a conversation and connect with others?”
❌ “Why do I always say the wrong thing?”
✅ “What are some kind things I can say to make conversations easier?”
Handling Challenges & Setbacks
❌ “Why do things always go wrong for me?”
✅ “What can I do to handle this situation better next time?”
❌ “Why is this so hard for me?”
✅ “How can I break this into smaller steps to make it easier?”
❌ “Why do I always fail?”
✅ “What did I learn from this, and how can I improve?”
Self-Worth & Emotions
❌ “Why am I not as cool/funny/talented as others?”
✅ “What are three things that make me special?”
❌ “Why do I always feel sad?”
✅ “What can I do to help myself feel better right now?”
❌ “Why doesn’t anyone like me?”
✅ “How can I show kindness and be a good friend to others?”
Taking Responsibility & Growth
❌ “Why do I always get in trouble?”
✅ “What choices can I make to have a better day?”
❌ “Why do I have to do this?”
✅ “How does this help me, and what’s a fun way to do it?”
❌ “Why am I so bad at this?”
✅ “What can I practice to get better at this skill?”
Download this PDF cheat sheet for quick rephrases.
7 Ways Parents Can Help Kids Rephrase Negative “Why” Questions
As a parent, you can guide your kids toward a more positive and solution-focused mindset by acknowledging their feelings, modeling better questions, and encouraging self-reflection. Here’s 7 ways how you can help:
1️⃣ Validate Their Feelings Before Reframing
Why It’s Important: Jumping straight to correction may make kids feel unheard. Acknowledge their emotions first before shifting the question.
📌 Example:
❌ Child: "Why am I so bad at math?"
✔️ Parent: "I can see you’re feeling frustrated. Math can be tricky sometimes, and that’s okay."
🔹 Now Reframe: "What part is confusing you? Let’s figure it out together!"
2️⃣ Model Better Questions Out Loud
Why It’s Important: Kids learn by example. If they hear you rephrase negative thoughts into positive ones, they will start doing it themselves.
📌 Example:
❌ Parent Thinking Out Loud: "Ugh, why do I always forget things?"
✔️ Rephrased Version: "What can I do to remember next time? Maybe I’ll set a reminder!"
➡️ Lesson for Kids: They see that negative thoughts can be turned into solutions.
3️⃣ Turn It into a Game (Make It Fun!)
Why It’s Important: Kids respond well to play-based learning! Make it a fun challenge to flip negative questions into “How” or “What” questions.
📌 Game Idea:
🚀 “Flip the Question” Game – When your child asks a negative “why” question, challenge them to flip it into a solution-focused question.
❌ Child: "Why do I always lose at soccer?"
✔️ Parent: "Ooh, let’s flip that question! How could you get better at soccer?"
They might say: "I can practice more!" 🎉 (Win!)
4️⃣ Use “What Would You Say to a Friend?” Trick
Why It’s Important: Kids are often kinder to others than to themselves. (Aren’t we all!) This trick helps them see their thoughts from a different perspective.
📌 Example:
❌ Child: "Why does no one like me?"
✔️ Parent: "If your best friend said that, what would you tell them?"
This helps the child shift their focus and realize their negative question isn’t true.
5️⃣ Provide a New “Go-To” Question
Why It’s Important: If kids tend to repeat one specific negative question, teach them a replacement question to use instead.
📌 Example:
❌ Child: "Why do I always make mistakes?"
✔️ Parent: "Instead of asking 'why do I mess up?' try asking 'what can I learn from this?'"
Every time you hear them ask that negative why question, simply state the new positive question. Over time, their brain will automatically switch to the better question.
6️⃣ Encourage Journaling or Drawing Thoughts
Why It’s Important: Writing or drawing thoughts helps kids process emotions and practice positive self-talk.
📌 How to Do It:
📝 Ask them to write/draw:
"What went well today?"
"What can I improve on tomorrow?"
This helps them focus on growth instead of frustration.
7️⃣ Praise the Effort, Not Just the Result
Why It’s Important: Children’s self-worth should not come from being perfect but from learning and improving.
📌 Example:
❌ Child: "Why am I not good at reading?"
✔️ Parent: "You’re working hard at reading, and I can see you improving! What’s one new word you learned today?"
This shifts focus from what they lack to how they’re growing.
The Power of Reframing
By shifting from “why” (which often focuses on blame, helplessness, or negativity) to “what” or “how”, kids learn to problem-solve, take ownership, and build confidence in their abilities.
So the next time you hear a negative “why” question come out of your child’s mouth (or maybe when you sense that this question is rumbling around in their head unable to be verbalized), show them how to uplevel the question. Similarly, you need to make sure you are not asking negative “why” questions around them. And if you do, model the rephrase. That will help them learn the habit of doing it themselves.
We all need to be asking empowering questions that do not dwell on what’s wrong but, instead, focus on what’s possible. Because what we focus on is what we will bring into our lives!
Challenge: The next time you hear your child ask a negative “why” question, help them rephrase it into a productive “how” question. Try using one of the seven suggestions listed above.
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