Teaching Kids to Master the Art of Thoughtful Thinking

Don’t Believe Everything You Think

What are you thinking about right now? You probably had to stop and think about what you are thinking about. You may not even know.

That is because a substantial amount of our mental activity (including the formation of beliefs, emotions and decision-making) takes place outside of our conscious awareness. We think on autopilot.

You may know this already but chances are your child does not.

For certain thoughts, thinking on autopilot is preferable. We don’t want to have to think whether its a good idea to take our hand off a hot stove. We want to do that automatically. 

But not all thoughts are created equally. Those thoughts that occur inside our conscious awareness should be deliberate. But this is not always an easy task. There are many conscious thoughts that occur on autopilot as well. We hear or see something and automatically have a thought about it.  

One very important concept that we must teach our kids is:

Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean that you have to believe it. 

This may seem obvious, but a child is not trained to question what they think or believe. This is something that must be taught and practiced.

It all comes down to a decision: What do you want to think and what do you want to believe? 

Learning to think on purpose is one of the most important skills you can teach your children. That is because our thoughts create our lives. They influence how we perceive and interpret the world around us which, in essence, is our reality.

Our thoughts contribute to the formation of our beliefs and expectations. What we believe about ourselves and the world can influence our actions, choices, and the opportunities we pursue. 

Since we think thousands of thoughts in a day (The average person has more than 6,000 thoughts in a day), we want to make sure that the majority of those thoughts are positive, or at least productive.

The fact that we can think whatever we want is good news. This means that we have the power to create our own story or to rewrite a negative story into a positive story. That is extremely powerful. 

Since our thoughts contribute to our beliefs, desires, and intentions, which in turn influence our actions and shape our experiences, we can become the best version of ourselves simply by choosing our thoughts wisely.

Thoughtful thinking starts with mind management.  

Thinking on purpose requires a bit of work. The first step is to clean out your mind. An easy analogy to explain this to kids is comparing your mind to a kitchen. You can sweep out the negative thoughts like you sweep the dirt out of a kitchen. 

Then you organize your thoughts like you organize your kitchen pantry. Look at each thought like you would look at each item in your pantry. Has the expiration date passed? Does a certain thought no longer serve you? If so, do not put it back in your mind like you would not put an expired item back on the shelf in your pantry. 

Things that you may have thought about in your past and may have made sense then, may no longer be useful or true. For example, maybe you moved to a new town a year ago and found it difficult to assimilate and make friends. You may have had the thought “It is not easy to make new friends.” But during this past year, you may have made a new friend or two.

So, ask yourself if you still believe this thought. In fact, if you keep thinking it, it may prevent you from making any more friends. So why would you want to keep thinking it?

You have the power to believe or not believe anything you want. Why would you choose to believe something that is not serving you? 

You really want to examine your thoughts and figure out why you even have the thought in the first place. Going back to our kitchen pantry analogy, you may have a jar of anchovies in there. You ask yourself why you even bought it in the first place.  Then you remember a recipe that you tried that contained anchovies but your family didn't like that recipe and you never made it again. But you kept the jar anyway and now it's just taking up room in your pantry and going bad. You need to throw it out.  

Similarly, for each negative thought, pick it out and examine it like you would examine the anchovies. Where did this thought come from? 

Here is another example. You have the thought “I am a slow learner.” Where did it come from? Perhaps when you were younger you had a difficult time learning a certain subject and your mom told you that it takes you a longer time to learn things than your peers. You probably saw yourself learning at a slower pace than everyone else. You then formed the belief that you are a slow learner. 

This seeped into all areas of your life (not just that one subject many years ago where it was formed). Perhaps you give yourself more time to do a task because you don’t think you can get it done in a shorter amount of time. Or perhaps you don't even try certain things because you don't think you will get them done.

Is the thought “I am a slow learner” something that you want to believe? Of course not. This is the type of thought that you need to get rid of. Sweep it out of your mind. 

After you sweep out a thought that is not serving you, the next step is to replace it with a thought that will serve you. Using our example from above, “I am a slow learner,” ask yourself if there was ever anything that you tried that you picked up quickly. It could be anything. Did you learn to ride a bike with little ease, learn to draw, or navigate Google (or something techy)? Really search for the evidence. I am sure you will find it. 

Then use that evidence to create a new thought. “I am able to learn some things quickly.” Use that thought to fuel your actions into trying new things and creating more evidence of your ability.  Soon you may even be able to replace that thought with “I am a quick learner.”  

Had you chosen to keep the thought “I am a slow learner,” and not examine and replace it, you would be stuck in the same place with the same belief that you are a slow learner and you would not have allowed yourself to prove that you can learn things quickly. 

The kitchen pantry analogy may not work for some kids. Another analogy is to compare cleaning out their minds to cleaning their bedrooms (a dreaded task if your kids are like mine, but one they probably are familiar with). They can liken their thoughts to their clothes. Does this shirt no longer fit? If so, take it out of your draw and get rid of it, just like a thought that doesn’t fit any longer.

I tried this exercise with my son when I made him clean out his closet before school started. I told him that each time he found a piece of clothing that didn’t fit, he should think of a thought that no longer fits and throw them out together.

You will have to help them with this exercise as they may not know of the autopilot thoughts they have that are wreaking havoc with their self-identities. Come up with some questions that will help them discover their thoughts.

A few examples are:

• What do you think about starting __ grade? Why do you think that?

• How do you think other kids see you? Why do you think that?

• How confident do you feel reading, writing, adding, etc. Why do you feel that way?

After they answer each question, if the thought is expired/no longer fits, point out evidence to the contrary to help them see why this thought should go.

When you have gotten rid of the expired thoughts, then you need to find replacement thoughts. When your child puts their well-fitting clothes back in their drawer/closet, have them come up with a new thought to put in their mind at the same time.

Here is an example:

Expired thought - I am a small, weak kid.

Replacement thought - I am taller and stronger than I was last year.

Our brains continuously process vast amounts of information, and many mental processes occur automatically and effortlessly, without conscious effort. If we continue to think a certain thought, that thought will then show up on autopilot. We want to make sure our “autopilot thoughts” are good ones, ones that serve us.

We need to give this gift to our kids. Teach them to question their thoughts, not just automatically believe everything they think. If 6,000 thoughts run through our mind every day, how many do you think are actually useful? Our thoughts are powerful and shape everything we do. Having a selective mind will ensure that our thoughts are valid and serving us. 

If you believe everything you think, you’ll never discover the truth. 

Challenge:  Ask your child what they think about a certain subject. Then ask them if that is what they WANT to think about that subject.  If not, come up with new thoughts about it and have them practice thinking that way.