Growing Pains

How to Teach Kids to be Comfortable in the Uncomfort Zone

I recently thought of the concept of growing pains because my son was experiencing some pain in his legs, and we couldn’t figure out the cause. This pain coincided with a large growth spurt - it was as if his legs got too long too fast, and the rest of his body needed to catch up. The pain eventually went away, and now he is comfortable in his new, longer legs.

This got me thinking about the concept of emotional growing pains.  I thought about the times when my kids did something for the first time and how scary it seemed then. But now, it is just who they are. They have grown into that new version of themselves. 

I realized that growing up brings with it not just physical changes but also mental and emotional transformations. 

Just as your body might ache during a growth spurt, your mind can experience its own kind of growing pains. These pains often manifest as anxiety, fear, and discomfort when you venture beyond your comfort zone. 

However, it's important to recognize that these mental growing pains are as crucial to a child’s development as physical growth and can be just as challenging to navigate.

What is the Uncomfort Zone?

The Uncomfort Zone is the area just outside of your comfort zone. It is not too far outside your comfort zone that it causes you physical pain. Rather, it is just far enough outside to stretch you so that you are forced to try harder, think differently, and expand your curiosity. 

You can also think of it as the “stretch zone” or “growth zone.”  It is ​​a space where you are challenged beyond what feels familiar or safe, leading to personal development. 

On the contrary, if we push our kids too far, they may end up in the "panic zone" or "danger zone." This area represents a state where the challenges are overwhelming, leading to a feeling of losing control, which can result in emotional or physical strain rather than growth. 

We do not want to push our kids so far that it causes them distress. Sometimes, knowing how hard to push our kids can be a challenge. While being in the Unfomfort Zone may cause a slight “pain” in the process, our kids need to know that this type of pain will not last forever and will lead to the expansion of their comfort zone. And when they expand their comfort zone, they simultaneously expand their Uncomfort Zone.

Living in the Uncomfort Zone: Embracing Discomfort as a Sign of Progress

For children, it's essential to become familiar with feelings of discomfort and unease because these sensations are often synonymous with personal growth. 

These "growing pains" are like signposts on the road to self-discovery. To move forward, children must learn to sit with these uncomfortable feelings and push through them. They must let the rest of their mind catch up with the part that has already stretched and expanded.

When children internalize this concept and refuse to be held back by their fear of the unknown, they become unstoppable. It's often the fear within us that keeps us from reaching our goals and dreams. The willingness to confront and experience negative emotions is a critical aspect of personal growth.

The aim is to help our kids see that growing pains are a normal part of a fulfilling life. Feelings of anxiety and excitement can sometimes be confused, as both might cause sensations like a fluttering stomach or a racing heart. When our kids experience these feelings in the Uncomfort Zone, they can learn to reframe them as excitement, recognizing that they are growing and expanding.

Redefining Success: It's About What You Learn

Teaching children to define success not by the outcome of their endeavors but by what they learn from each experience is key.

Success should be measured by growth, not just by whether something worked out as planned. This approach encourages experimentation and risk-taking.

Failure should not be stigmatized but embraced as a valuable step in the journey of growth and self-improvement. To grow, one must learn to live on the edge of their comfort zone, continually pushing its boundaries with one foot in the discomfort that propels them to new heights.

It's vital to instill in children the idea that taking risks is safe because it's the path to self-growth. When you attempt something, you risk failure, but when you avoid trying altogether, you guarantee that you won't succeed or grow. If you avoid trying, you are simply failing ahead of time but without the benefit of learning from the failure.

Let’s say your child enters a school science fair with a homemade volcano project. They put in a lot of effort, but their volcano doesn’t erupt as expected during the presentation, and they don’t win a prize. Instead of focusing on not winning, you could teach them to view success differently by asking reflective questions like:

• “What did you learn from building the volcano?”

• “What would you do differently next time?”

• “How did you feel when you figured out how to make the volcano?”

You can explain that real success isn't about the trophy, but about the problem-solving, creativity, and perseverance they showed during the process. It’s important to praise their curiosity and effort, helping them see that every experience—win or lose—teaches valuable lessons. This way, they can redefine success as what they’ve gained in knowledge, not just a result.

Taking risks without being attached to a specific outcome is living in the Uncomfort Zone. 

Cultivating Courage

Growing pains are about building courage. Every time you take a risk, you build a little more courage. Courage is not about having the confidence to do something. Rather, it is about lacking the confidence to do something but doing it anyway. 

There are two types of fear: the known fear and the unknown fear. The known fear is the fear of not attempting something and, consequently, guaranteeing failure. The unknown fear is the fear that accompanies taking risks and stepping into uncharted territory. It's the latter fear that promotes growth.

For instance, consider a child trying out for a sports team. The anxiety and fear they feel, whether related to performance, peer judgment, or the possibility of rejection, can be overwhelming. However, by choosing to try out, they demonstrate courage. Regardless of the outcome, they should be proud because they had the audacity to try. They have grown.

I experienced this exact type of growth with my youngest son when he tried out for a travel basketball team. He was very nervous at first as this was outside his comfort zone. He could have easily played on his other basketball team (inside his comfort zone) and not tried out for this new one.  But with a little encouragement, he decided to try out, and he made the team. The best part of this story is that he recently wrote an essay about stepping out of his comfort zone to “become” a basketball player. Now, he uses that experience as a point of reference when confronted with a challenge. And sometimes I do as well!

Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset

Growing pains shed light on the distinction between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. A fixed mindset assumes that success is based solely on innate abilities. 

A child may feel that there is no reason to take on a challenge because they are already as smart as they are going to be. They avoid challenges to preserve their self-image, fearing that failure will knock them off their pedestal. They choose to stay inside their comfort zone as it is safe there. Even if they won’t improve, they won't fail, so that feels better for them. 

Conversely, individuals with a growth mindset believe that they can expand their skills and intelligence through effort and learning. They embrace challenges as opportunities for growth and are willing to face the unknown fear and its associated growing pains. They choose to step into the Uncomfort Zone because they do not fear failure. They see failure as an essential component of success.

How to Teach Our Kids to Become Comfortable with Discomfort

The following steps will help kids venture into the Uncomfort Zone:

1. Create a Visual of their Comfort Zones. A great way to explain this concept to children is by creating a simple visual. Start by drawing a circle and label it "Comfort Zone" in the middle. Then, draw a larger circle around it and label that one "Uncomfort Zone." Finally, draw a third circle outside both and label it "Danger Zone." Use this visual to explain what each zone represents.

2. Define Their Comfort Zone. It is important for kids to recognize the boundaries of their current comfort zone. When they start to feel anxious about starting something new, going to a new place, meeting new people, etc., point out that since this is new to them, it is currently outside their comfort zone and that is why they are experiencing those feelings. You can list all of the things that are currently inside their comfort zone - things they currently do (ride a bike, read a certain level book, etc), places they feel comfortable (their house, a friend’s house, etc.), people they are comfortable with (family, friends, etc). Defining their current comfort zone helps them visualize what might be beyond it.

3. Define Their Uncomfort Zone. This step could be done before step 4, after step 4, or in conjunction with it. Assist your child in figuring out what activities, places, or people belong in their Uncomfort Zone. Sometimes, it is easier to figure out what activities are so far out of their comfort zone first and then work backward. It is up to them what works best.

4. Define Their Danger Zone. Make a list of everything that would cause your child serious distress or physical or emotional harm. The items on this list will be different for every child. For example, some children might feel only mildly uncomfortable speaking on stage in front of the whole school, while for others, it could trigger a panic attack. In that case, they should place this activity in their Danger Zone and maybe list “speaking in front of the class” in their Uncomfort Zone. As they grow and speaking in front of the class becomes part of their Comfort Zone, they can consider moving “speaking to the entire school” into their Uncomfort Zone.

5. Step into the Discomfort: Now, have your child pick an activity in their Uncomfort Zone to work on. This step should be a continuous process, moving each activity to the Comfort Zone once it feels appropriate for them to do so.

The more our kids can accept and understand discomfort as growing pains while trying something new, the more resilient and adaptable they become. These growing pains are the crucible in which children forge the courage, wisdom, and strength they need to achieve their dreams and become the best versions of themselves.

So, let's teach our children not to fear discomfort but to embrace it as a sign of progress and a stepping stone to growth. 

Because in the end, it's the willingness to face the unknown fear that propels us toward our true potential, allowing us to grow, learn, and ultimately thrive.

Challenge:  The next time you notice your child hesitating to step outside their comfort zone, remind them that what they’re feeling is simply a growing pain, and it’s completely normal. Encourage them to take the risk and embrace the discomfort. Try working through the steps outlined above together, identifying their comfort zones, recognizing their limits, and tackling challenges in their Uncomfort Zone. With enough practice, you might see them stepping out of their comfort zone more often, leading to faster emotional growth.